Sometimes you think you are moving forward in life, moving past something, when all of a sudden you’re hit with a sucker punch in the gut. You fall to your metaphorical knees with a “what the FUCK?!” look as all the air is sucked from your lungs. Your heart pounds, your fists clench-you’re in shock. Not just because of the gut punch. You’re shocked at your reaction. You thought you were beyond this. You did your metaphorical ab workout so that a gut punch would be deflected. And maybe you have worked hard to improve…but this time you forgot to flex and protect your core. Hence the sucker punch that leaves you gasping for air, and maybe grasping at straws to understand why you feel this way.
If it isn’t obvious, the above is kind of an analogy. I wanted to say metaphor again, because I do love that word, but I’d already used it twice…anyway…
I learned that someone I knew had information that could have prevented a world of heartache and hurt, but they never acted on it. Never spoke to the appropriate person, or had a difficult conversation in an attempt to solve the issue at hand. It shook me to the core because it was a situation I was intimately involved in. I thought I had moved beyond such feelings-you know, done my metaphorical ‘ab workout,’ ha ha…but apparently not.
I’m upset and a little angry, not just at the situation, but at myself for feeling this way. There is no longer any reason for me to feel hurt or offended or irate over the original issue…so why do I feel these things anyway?? Am I still not removed enough from the original situation to be ‘over it?’ Patience is NOT my strength…so if I’m not yet over it, HOW THE HELL LONG IS THIS GOING TO TAKE?!?!?!??!
I guess my impatience stems from the fact that I clung to an idea-or maybe a cause- much longer than I should have. I knew in my heart that things weren’t ever going to be right, but I hung in there anyway…not sure if that’s due to optimism, eternal hope, or plain old stupidity. So I almost feel as though a large part of getting past any old hurts occurred before I ended the arrangement. To once again feel hurt and angry about an old issue bothers me. And I can’t put a finger on why. That bothers me too.
I’m ready to be over and done and beyond this shit…how long until I truly am??? 😭😩😡