I’m writing this first draft with pen and paper. Later I’ll type it out. It takes too long to boot up the computer, and my tablet is out in the car. And I’m NOT fucking typing this out with two thumbs on my phone. Damn…writing longhand is tiring. Now I understand the callus and joint deformity on the middle finger of my right hand. My handwriting is atrocious, too…the more I type, the worse my printing and cursive become.
So I cried over meatloaf today. I’m trying to plan out my day, which includes a look ahead for the week’s menus. I realize I have all the ingredients to make my almost-famous meatloaf, so I pull out the recipe to begin putting it together and promptly burst into tears as I remember the last time I made it.
I was a married woman making the dish for my spouse because it was one of his favorite meals. I normally prepared it ahead and froze it. It was easy to defrost and pop into the oven with a couple of baked potatoes for dinner, ready in an hour. Made the house smell wonderful.
I cried because cooking for my partner was something I truly enjoyed. It was kind of nice to have someone to look after, you know? And I am well aware that *I* chose to end my marriage, for numerous reasons. That doesn’t make it easy sometimes. While overall I am happier, I still have moments like these. It’s to be expected.
I stopped to remind myself I had no shortage of loved ones to look after. And I suppose it’s only natural and perfectly normal to mourn the loss of something that was a huge part of my life for almost two decades. And I guess-today-the meatloaf was a symbol of that. I contemplated not even making it-but dammit I love that meatloaf too, and why should I deny myself?!
And then it hit me. I **DO** have someone to look after…ME.
I have to look after me. And that’s okay. I SHOULD look after myself. I am worthy of such care, consideration, and compassion.
(COMPASSION-more on this soon)
So I made the damn meatloaf. And if I cry again when I cook and/or eat it, then so be it. I am human. I have feelings. And this meatloaf is delicious.