I feel like this is the first chance I’ve had to sit and think and breathe in a long time. I’m off tomorrow, and my partner crashed in bed asleep about an hour ago. I’ve been non-stop running since the end of October. That’s probably good; at the end of October I was close to the end of my rope. I’ve learned if I stay busy enough, I don’t have time to think. Because when I have too much time to think, I tend to brood. Brooding leads to wishing for things that cannot be. Some call them daydreams, but I’m too old for that shit. Maybe.
I try so hard to be a realist…but those daydreams sneak in. Sometimes I worry that those daydreams aren’t normal. Or that the act itself, of daydreaming, isn’t normal. I mean, I have a million things I could and SHOULD do…and yet…sometimes…there goes my brain. Always to the same topic. Always the same daydream. Always what might have been. What could still be. What’s funny to me is that I usually DREAM dream when something is on my mind. It permeates my subconscious and becomes reality when I close my eyes at night. This subject, this dream has never come to me in sleep. I wonder what that means, if it means anything at all or just a quirk of my brain.
So here I am, on my Friday night, in my pajamas, drinking wine, and writing in my blog. The truth is, I’m struggling with the final part of “Breaking The Silence.” I mean, I want it to be the final part anyway. I went through so much gaslighting and other psychological abuse that I can’t necessarily write about my first marriage in a linear fashion. I tried so hard to forget about what happened, too. I guess in some ways it’s easier to speak about that marriage in flashbacks and glimpses.
So I guess that I hope that making this brief blog post will help me gear up for the final chapter. Although…there might be an epilogue.
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