I had an extra day off this weekend, and the “big plans” I had ended up being canceled, which really bummed me out. An extra day off with no place to go, no one to see, and nothing to do. I am restless. I need things to do, and I’m overwhelmed with the things that need to be done around my house. My partner isn’t as helpful as he thinks he is. It’s a lot for one person, to put it mildly.

I forced myself to rearrange the room my partner keeps calling “your room.” As in, the room belongs to me. Number one, that feels weird and condescending coming from him for some reason. And number two; it’s the worst fucking room in the house. It was never painted, so for eleven fucking years, it’s been bright blue and yellow, with mirrored switch plates and such. The cat box is in here. It gets dusty easily, and it’s really just full of junk.  But this is “my” room? Okaaaayyyy. Fine. I decide I’m going to make it my room. Literally put my stamp on it. Not sure how just yet, but it’s going to involve paint, and patching the walls. I ripped out the sideboard heat unit from the wall, which left a gaping hole. That’s patched, so I began rearranging the furniture. All I did was switch my vanity and my makeshift dresser.

The new perspective has already made a difference, and I haven’t even moved my shoes to their new spot. No, I’m not kidding; they’re still shoved against the wall as I type right now….but I digress. My vanity is actually an antique desk that belonged to my great grandmother. And the item I’m using as a desk is my grandmother’s old Singer sewing machine cabinet. It’s closed up, but I can always move my computer and open it up to sew…which I fully intend to do.  I feel better sitting here. The shift is subtle but I can feel a change in the energy. If I can just harness it…and mingle it with the fleeting feeling I had this morning….

I woke earlier than I have been on my days off, actually ate breakfast, and then decided to go for a walk. It wasn’t chilly, but there was a breeze. A perfect sunny fall day. As I walked, the sun hit my face and I smiled. I had the most fleeting thought…it reminded me of a time when I felt on top of the world, that I could honestly do anything. It was just a few years ago I felt that way, and I’ve kind of missed it. Today, for a minute or two, about five percent of me believed I could do anything.  I grabbed my favorite visual…Ryan Howard slamming one out of the park…and tried to hang on to it…

Can I pull myself from this black hole; free myself from the so-called gilded cage? I don’t know.

I do know I have at least one more story to tell, and for me it’s an important one. Now my writing space is ready. I can speak. Stay tuned…